Stimulants (or melodramatic musings regarding mundane matters)

It's no revelation that alcohol can temporarily change the way people act. Specifically, the depressant is thought to exacerbate underlying behaviours via the dulling of certain social inhibitions. And from anecdotal evidence, I would agree: after a drink or two, I speak more freely, I'm generally more comfortable with my surroundings, my typical social reservations seem to .. go away for a bit.

Interestingly, an opposite effect seems to happen when I drink caffeine (a stimulant). Consistently, a few hours after I drink a decent amount of caffeine, my mind races for a bit and I find that I am hit by a wave of anxiety. This is then followed by a bout of self-loathing, an episode which I'd obviously prefer to be absent.

It worries me. I mean, it wouldn't if these were just primary effects of caffeine. What worries is me that these effects are secondary to caffeine wherein my stimulated psyche propels me through a pocket of negativity normally shrouded by my mental defences. That perhaps, under the placid surface of which I am conscious, there are secret woes, deeply seeded in dark recesses. I worry that there are hidden demons lying in wait, biding their time until my normal barriers are temporarily weakened so that they may burst out into the light to pillage and plunder mercilessly all that I have carefully ordered over the years.

But.. I might just be being melodramatic, as I am oft to do. Merely making a mountain out of a molehill in an otherwise plain and mundane life.

Boring

Fatigue, the day has worn down his well practiced exterior. Although he knows where he is heading, he meanders, his gait is inconsistent. His gaze wanders from object to object, taking up his surroundings, though, truth be told, he has already traversed through these very streets for what seems like a lifetime to him. Occasionally, his eyes will settle upon another soul but he is ever ready to dart away his glance in the unfortunate scenario that he is discovered.

"I am tired," his internal monologue says, "I should rest," though in the back of his mind he wished that he could somehow transcend beyond that particular physical limitation. With a sigh, he relents, "I am only human".

He enters the subway terminal and goes to the man behind the glass window. "Could I have ten tokens please?" he says with a voice that is in complete contrast to the speaker in his mind, which is more brutish and direct, impatient with the platitudes so often conducted by his external counterpart.

The exchange transpires unremarkably. "Have a good evening!" wishes the polite, well-meaning attendant to which he gives the only appropriate response, "Thanks, you too!" with the ever obligate smile that he employs far too often.

He descends further onto the subway platform and boards the train so that he may return home and find reprieve from his fatal companion.

Jupiter & Venus

Jupiter and Venus have been paired together in the sky for the past while. Their light seems to be able to pierce through the early evening sky, a time when the normal stellar background is still muted by the Rayleigh Scattering. Well, anyway, I do gaze at them periodically as I walk home at nights and when my mind starts to wander, I find myself recalling one particular memory from well over a decade.

I'm in gym class and we're all taking turns to go up to the chalk board to write down something we want to do when we're older. For whatever reason, I decided to go up and write down "Go to Jupiter" and I distinctly remember part of the class cheering me on for writing that. Even the teacher smilingly gave me a nod of approval.

Why did I write that? Did I really want to go to Jupiter at the time? To be honest, I can't remember. Even though I did watch a lot of sci-fi back then, I'm pretty sure I had a solid grasp on the implausibilities of traveling to other planets. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it was most probably metaphorical for not limiting myself, following my dreams, or whatever else that's along those lines.

So here I am, it's been at least 10 years, and I'm currently getting my second degree. Am I en route to Jupiter? As of right now, probably not, if only because I don't know what my Jupiter is. Is that ok? I don't know. But, I'll try to remain true to myself and to be willing to pack my bags and go if and when I do find it.

Meh

-_-

Her words

So I recently asked my friend (though not in a particularly serious manner) why she was so happy. At first I was a little surprised that she would choose to respond seriously, but ultimately I'm glad that she did.

She said, "Oh yes, after all, what's the point in being miserable all the time? I know life isn't always easy. Sometimes you're put in difficult circumstances that you didn't choose. But being happy or unhappy is a choice you make, and I've chosen to make the best of things that I can."

At first I thought she was just trying to be corny but it was quite the opposite! I guess it's a good reminder of the importance of my attitude and how I choose to perceive things.

Thanks, Shahvee, for the words of inspiration.

The Lion, The Paper, and the Inside Reverse Fold

So, six years ago, my aunts got me an origami book and a bunch of origami paper. I think they intended for it to help me develop my patience or something like that. Well, regardless of their intent, I did fold a number of things, with the average quality of the final product varying somewhere between mediocre and pretty bad (though truth be told there were a few that really stood out).

After a year or so, I stopped doing it. Today, however, I decided to try my luck at folding something after a half-decade hiatus. Ultimately, I decided on folding a lion, a strong and confident animal.

It took twenty minutes to finish the first page (out of three and a half) and truth be told, I was starting to get a little frustrated. My folds were not that precise and subsequently the corners of the intermediate product were looking more than a little shoddy. After beholding the glory that was the product of the first page, my heart sank as I realized that all I had made through those 20 minutes of toil was a crane base.

After languishing for a minute or two, I continued, resolved to finish this lion thing. And, for another forty-odd minutes, I folded. Near the end, as I agonized over instructions for the legs (don't even get me started on the stupid mane), I realized that this was not going to end well. But, I finished and so present to you, the final product:

Ugh, definitely not one of my finer works. It actually looks more like a cross between a rhinoceros and a dragon than any lion. I remember now why I stopped doing origami...

Alive

Remember that song "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, big hit in the 90s (link to jog your memory). What people may not be aware of is that this song is actually about the lead singer's meth addiction. One lyric really stands out to me whenever I listen to this song: "we tripped on the urge to feel alive".

I mean, admittedly, I don't live "out there" much. I go to school, I study, I volunteer here and there, and generally stay in my room. The most exciting part of my routine is listening to new music. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that. But that lyric really does speak to a part of me.

What does it really mean to "feel alive"?  Is there something "out there" in this world that would fill those supposedly empty spaces? How do I even begin to explore something like that? Well whatever it is, I think at the very least we can agree that it probably doesn't involve crystal meth. That's a starting point, I guess.

Exhausted

It's been a long week and I'm exhausted. I'm at the library, trying to study for another meaningless assessment but all I want to do is browse around for music. And forget about multi-tasking, I can really only do one thing at once.

Hope those CDs I ordered like 2 weeks ago came today.

Dysfunction

Maybe there are things that are better kept off of the public domain of the internet. I think what used to be this post would be a good example of that. That's why I kept personal entries anyway. That stuff should definitely never see the light of day.

Left Channel, y u no keep working?!

Today marks the fourth time in the past two months that I've encountered a faulty left channel in my audio device. First the one on my Porta-pro headphones gave out, next the replacement headphones just had a defective left channel right out of the box (luckily I was able to return it very easily), then my laptop's audio jack stopped outputting to the left (ok this one was totally my fault), and now my general-not-meant-to-be-used-anyway earphones gave way. Why is it always the left channel?! It's not like I listen harder on that side or something.. Whatever, guess I'm going to go see what's on sale after school today. My wallet will understand >_>.

Arrivals and departures

What was this blog ever for? I mean surely at one point I used this as a form of expression. But why did I initially make this blog? If the first few posts are any indication, I think it had to do with sharing random stuff I found on the Internet (mostly pictures and flash animations). I think the original title of this blog was "the sky is falling", which was a reference to the fable Chicken Licken where the titular character had began spreading the absurd fear of the sky falling after an acorn fell on its head.

Oh, absurdity, now I remember: this was originally meant to be an anti-blog. I guess my anti-institutional sentiment had thought it would be a good satire to open a blog filled with nonsense instead of serious posts. Ironic that it later become a place where I'd express my occasional outrage.

Well anyway, there's a lot less of that nowadays, outrage that is. I'd imagine it's due to a mix between accepting some of the struggles as inevitable and also not taking things too seriously. Oh, and I might've found/figured out a few things along the way.

So now here we are, it's been 6 years since 2005 Aaron started this blog. Does 2011 Aaron have any use for this? Maybe, I still do like expressing myself after all. Meh, whatever. I've no idea. Just keep visiting once in a while, I'll add content once in a while ^_^.

Levamentum Menti

Hello everyone, if you haven't heard already, I've started a new blog where I'll be able to link to interesting music that I come across. I didn't want to use this blog for that since posts here are generally more personal. I noticed that many of the posts I made on Google Plus were musical recommendations, so, after some deliberation, a separate blog seemed more appropriate (this way I can post more frequently and not feel as though I'm spamming my network).

You can find the new blog at http://levamentum-menti.blogspot.com. From the description found there:

Levamentum menti means "comfort for the mind" in Latin. The title stems from how music has been as a source of refuge for me. This blog will be a place where I can post links (generally Youtube embeds) to interesting music. Overall, the genres will revolve around post-rock, shoegaze, and electronica.

Career day at a high school

A high school had a theme day where the students would come dressed up as some career path each person wanted to pursue. Bob walked into the class dishevelled in shorts, sandals, and a plain white T with an obvious ketchup stain on it. As the students sat down, the teacher, clearly noticing the lack of effort by him, spoke up at the front of class and asked, “And what exactly are you, Bob?”

He replied, “I was a mid-level manager at a Fortune 500 company. But unfortunately I was laid off in the recession. Truth be told, I wasn’t really getting anywhere there anyway. Dare I say, getting laid off was more of an opportunity to grow than anything else. So I looked around for work here and there. This wasn’t the end of the world. Far from it, I was going to rise from the ashes and become a better person for it.”

A sudden darkness fell over his face, “But days turned to weeks and weeks into months and I still couldn’t find a job. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, there was never anything I could really close up on. And the time just passed unrelentingly, just like those head-hunters whom I knew could see straight through my fake smile into the depths of my broken spirit. I was desperate and desperate was not a character trait they were looking for. But I kept looking because, well, what else could I do?”

Regaining composure, he continued, “I knew I could last for a while but a while wasn’t supposed to last this long. My unemployment insurance ended a while ago and my savings had evaporated. Soon the bills started piling up and there was nothing I could do. Then one day, they came and took it. They took my car, my house, and my family. Oh my God, Stacy, she took the kids to live with her mother.”

Bob could no longer hold back and burst into tears, his voice was cracking from his tears and was tinged with despair, “Oh my God, my flesh and blood, I haven’t seen them in months. Why did this happen to me? I was a good man, wasn’t I? I went to church and volunteered on the weekends. I was going to send my kids to good schools and they were going to surpass me like I surpassed my own father. Mrs. Harris, I was a man but I am a man no longer.”

With that, Bob rested his head onto his desk. He was both overcome by his shame and was wallowing in the great pit of misery that his life had become, remembering that pleasant life he had left so long ago. A great silence filled the room. It was all an act but even teenagers could appreciate the anguish of a man who had been pushed to the edge, not through his own doing per se.

But Bob looked up and it was as if the entire class was resting on his next words.

“That or I make pizzas.”

Don't do this

Casually waiting. Suddenly, she emerges from the stacks. Truly, I did not expect life to have existed within those sterile aisles. What fantasy. Yet how true is her form as the slivers of sunlight surround her. Our eyes meet but she quickly averts her gaze and she tries to continue in her stride with a feigned innocence. But her intentions are as clear as day to everyone in the room. She marks her objective and it is as if the entire room begins to watch her in an almost ominous anticipation of the next inevitable step. Her demeanour suddenly shifts and that previous facade is dropped as quickly as it had been put on. She moves swiftly with a burning passion in her eyes as she nears her target. All the while, the multitudes of onlookers begin to well up with all manner of emotion and I reluctantly assume the rather unpleasant duty to approach her. I try to move with greater haste than her to make up for her headstart. She notices me and knows her gambit has failed. Perhaps she too had known of the gross implausibility of what she was trying. And so, we finally meet and begin our strange dance.

"Excuse me, Miss. The line-up for the computer starts over there."

Beyond our comfortable castles

Tonight I watched “Call & Response”, a documentary talking about modern day slavery. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t particularly shocked about any of it. I mean after years of being open to exploring social issues like this, you can only have so many instances of profound disturbance at the depravity we glorious humans are capable of. But it was a chilling reminder of the pain (though I’d imagine this word would scarcely begin to encapsulate what they go through) that this causes the people involved. I emphasize people because through all the statistics that we are bombarded with on a regular basis, I don’t want forget that these numbers are indeed people and that these people are suffering.

Someone in the documentary used the term “paralysis of despair”. That feeling of helplessness in the face of that which is not right in the world. It must be a common feeling though. For what exactly can one person do in the midst of all these atrocities being committed worldwide?

Anyway, I was walking home and the idea of dinner came up. But I wasn’t hungry. How could I be hungry after watching something like that? How could I just stuff my face with whatever knowing that such horrors lurk outside my nice insulated shell. But I know that I will eventually eat dinner tonight (probably after typing this, actually). I know that I will continue with my studies, continue with those things that I enjoy oh so much, continue with the multitude of petty activities that make up the days of my life. And not only me but I would also imagine the vast majority of wealthy society would be likely to continue with this status quo.

To be honest, I don’t know what to make of all of this. Suffering seems to be in great abundance on this pale blue dot. Yet, I ask again, what conquest can a single individual hope to achieve against a behemoth such as this? The beatitudes say that “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled”. May that righteousness fill this world and so that we may be saved from ourselves.

Three songs of old

I have a fair bit of music and I've listened to a fair bit of this quite rigorously over the years. For the vast majority of songs, I tend to like them at the beginning and then become largely apathetic to them later on. But, over the years, three songs have yet to lose their appeal. I suppose they do have a special place somewhere within me. In no particular order, they are (with youtube links) Breathe by Moist, Porcelain by Moby, and I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I still appreciate these songs. They're all kinda old (1996-2000), so maybe it has something to do with me hearing them at the right age. Musically, they're all pretty laid back and I suppose that is something I do enjoy in music. But who knows, maybe it's flat-out luck in that I haven't associated any negative memories with them, which for better or for worse happens more often than I would prefer.

The voracious curiosity of a child

A barren planet, vast but empty. The surface littered with massive ocean-sized cavities. Over time, these holes began to be filled by raining waters containing a host of materials. These waters began to affect the barren planet and imparted to it a new atmosphere. And so, within this new atmosphere and those particular waters, developed that which was not imparted from the exterior: entities of connected materials, both larger and more complex than their constituents. And from here, an explosion of life: all manner of permutations and combinations of the building blocks. The world seemed as a frontier of limitless potential.

But, of course, many of these strange new lifeforms were unviable and so did many disappear as quickly as they had come into being. But certain ones of a certain stamp were able to resist the test of time and so they began to flourish and dominate over all of the world, both over the lands and within the waters. After a while, along with the rains which had continued to fill the ever-growing chasms since the beginning, these new ones began to slowly alter the very world from whence they originated. They changed the world to suit its needs and, indeed, the world was satisfied to have an order, however arbitrary, to be brought upon it, for this was something that had never been done before.

Alas, such change did not go unnoticed. With the shifting conditions and the ever-torrential rains, newer permutations and combinations now found themselves possible. Soon, new conquerors came from beyond the horizon and usurped the world’s throne from the older generation, which now had become mere shadows of their former glory. And so a seemingly inexorable cycle had begun: one of development, alteration, and inevitable collapse.

All the while, the world watched itself be changed by its inhabitants. Truthfully, it accepted its transient nature. In the back of its consciousness, however, it knew that someday in, perhaps, the not-so-distant future it would stop the rains from coming and, thus, stop the world from changing. But for now, the world rested upon itself contentedly and waited for that pending moment.

Not much going on

Not much going on. Just kinda.. doing the school thing, as usual. Honestly, the program has been less than stellar. I ended up typing a rant about the program which ended up being around a thousand words. Those thoughts've been floating around for a while but I guess I just never took the time to put it down on paper. The shock, the mourning, the anger, I think they've all mostly subsided. There is now only an unenthusiastic acceptance. How anticlimactic, as usual.

On another note, I've found some really cool music in the past month (thank you redditunes). I mostly listen to their indie and electronica sections. Anyway, here are a few good ones.

• Ghosts N Stuff by Deadmau5 (electronica; not the version with the rapper)
• Roman History by Pet Lions (indie)
• The World Is Our _____ by This Will Destroy You (post-rock; I tried playing this on the electric and the melodies are surprisingly simple; the song must be really well arranged or something)
• White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes (folk)
• Murray by Pete Yorn (some sort of rock; wasn't on youtube)
• Bleeding Heart Show by The New Pornographers (indie)
• I Remember by Deadmau5 and Kaskade (electronica; check out the extended version if you like this)

Oops

I guess the grass really only seems greener on the other side. For a while, I've had ideas of breaking free and finding my salvation in that thing just over the horizon. Well, over the past bit, I've put that idea to the test and tried completely cutting myself from my old activities and moving over that hill.

It didn't pan out as well as I had originally thought it would, to put it lightly. It's not to say that the new things I immersed myself in weren't different and appreciated but I guess it was a little naive of me to think that the entirety of my angst and what I thought was missing would be sated in one fell swoop. Other things may provide in one previously missing aspect but may be lacking in another. And I guess I forgot that I am not a unifaceted person.

I am now here, in this strange limbo. It was a bad strategy, truly. But here I am, in this weird place. I guess this just shows that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I probably am still no closer to figuring that out. But, yes, I was wrong; it was a bad idea.

Guess.. I'll.. just continue in mundanity (and savour it, of course) until the next great revolutionary idea comes along.

Changing flavours

Music has always been something that's gotten me through the day. I don't know if that's just a commonality among all people but, regardless of whether that's the case, it's still something that I greatly appreciate having such ready access to.

Music is definitely a release for me. It gives me an avenue to express whatever emotions that may be floating inside. Angel by Sarah McLachlan helps for those long days (links to the songs if you're interested). Yearning by The Trews for those times of nothingness. We're In This Together Now by Nine Inch Nails to excise frustration. And, of course, If It Feels Good Do It by Sloan for some energy. And the list continues.

Well, lately, upbeat stuff's been turning up on my playlist a bit more than before; the frustration and exhaustion a little less. Ha, maybe this is a good thing...

Oh by the way, check out the John Lennon by Arkells.

New layout

Well, there's a substantially different layout if you've ever come here before March. I guess this blog has changed from what I had originally intended back in the day. Originally, it was supposed to be this hilarious anti-blog that had, instead of serious posts in which I would reveal the deepest darkest crevaces of my inner being, I'd just put random bits (mostly pictures at the time). Well, at any rate, that's no longer the case.. and this blog has really become somewhere where I do post serious things now and then. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure only a couple of people read this thing ..but (pssh) I don't do it for them.


"..under the sun" is a reference to Ecclesiastes. I often find myself going back to that book time and time again. The title is to, in part, describe the content of the posts. While I wouldn't call these posts trivial ramblings of mundanity, I also wouldn't call them life-altering revelation. They're somewhere in between.. significant but not too much.

A Serious Man

Have you seen it? If not, I really do recommend it. But I gotta warn you, this post will probably ruin it. Still readin'? Alright, here we go..

So the film centers on the life of this man whose life is just all going wrong (professionally, maritally, etc.). The film itself was inspired by the life of Job. So as these things are happening, the protagonist goes through the motions of dealing with all this stuff and in the process he visits this one rabbi. The conversation they had went like this..

Rabbi Nachtner: These questions that are bothering you, Larry. Maybe they're like a toothache. You feel them for a while then they go away.

Larry: I don't want it to just go away. I want an answer.

Rabbi Nachtner: Sure, we all want the answer. Hashem doesn't owe us the answer, Larry. Hashem doesn't owe us anything. The obligation runs the other way.

Larry: Why does he make us feel the questions if he's not going to give us the answers?

Rabbi Nachtner: He hasn't told me.

It's not that I myself am going through professional or marital difficulties but when I do hit those rough spots, I just don't really know how I should respond. I guess I'm starting to be able to deal with them better nowadays but the film itself still stood out to me. But, there is more. That actually isn't even the part that stood the most out to me.

So, finally someone in the film breaks down, but it's not the protagonist. It's actually his brother, whom is seen throughout the movie. He's clearly going through things of his own but the film doesn't really focus on his character or struggles all too much. It's meaningful because all this time I found myself empathizing with the main character all the while neglecting someone who, in all fairness, probably had it a lot worse in general than the protagonist. I mean looking at my own life, God has really blessed me abundantly. Maybe, then, I dwell on myself a little too much and forget to see the others around me. I mean, sure, maybe there are imperfections in my own life but, relatively, my life is going wonderfully. Should these little things really distract me so much? There are so many other things in this world that should cause outrage than some of the more mundane matters of daily life.

Well, though I suppose these things aren't totally novel ideas, it was a nice reminder. A reminder that rough spots are an inevitability of the human condition. I don't know why. Really, probably no one does. No one in that film knew, not even the guy who wrote Ecclesiastes gives any definite answer (and that guy's canon..).

..but just for a little

Well, lo and behold, my spirit has arisen like a phoenix from the ashes. And doesn't it always..

I guess I should just accept these things. These aspects of life. Looking back (a couple days later), as real as those feelings were, as real as they always are, they now seem both petty and mundane. It happens from time to time and perhaps they are inescapable. But I'm glad that I have such great turnaround time for these bouts of nihil, around two or so days.

Well, I guess I'll set my sights once again back to higher heights ..like schoolwork (isn't it great to have consistency in life).

it's quiet..

I've been working like a dog ever since this semester started. Between that project course rearing its ugly head and the part-time job parasitizing my time, I've been going to school right at 8:30 and getting home after 9 consistently almost everyday. And, it's totally fine. All this busyness is ok: I'm working towards something, pushing my limits in the hopes that it will help me somehow in the obscure future.

Today, however, I found myself taking it substantially easier than most. Chose not to wake up on time so I got the lounge around 'til 11 at home. Got downtown, intended to work, but only to have a gigantic line-up for the computers. Well, didn't wanna wait so I just left. But as I was stopped at the light, thinking of where the closest public computer was, I bumped into someone familiar.

"Screw it, I never bump into this guy and I have to go soon anyway."

So we just hung out for a bit. The night before someone whom I hadn't spoken with for a long time wanted to have lunch so we had just arranged for the next day since we were both free. So, got to catch up with him. Super.

Well after that, I just went to class til 7 and did some work at the library 'til 9, as usual. But, now, I sit here and it's.. ever so quiet. I know that when I arise tomorrow, I will be "on" for the whole day again. But, this present silence unnerves me ever so slightly (terribly). I don't want that cursed void to come back. But, I fear that despite whatever thrashing or clawing I may attempt, I will be dragged back into that darkness where I will cower, where I will be forced to come once again and confront those futile questions, those damned futile contentions with existence.

..and it malingers.

Maybe this is why I'm ok with being busy all the time.

Optimism

Don't worry, things will look up. Every cloud has a silver lining, after all. It seems it is ever so necessary for me to be optimistic and to have hope because I center my belief system around a good God, after all. So, that's exactly what I've done. I've consistently convinced myself that my pessimism is somehow invalid, that there is a silver lining around that rain cloud. But should I really stay around even after such a long period of disappointment? Am I somehow fulfilling some obligation I have to God by convincing myself that the sum total of what I perceive on a regular basis to be wrong?

At this point, I (finally) can say and do say "no". But don't get me wrong. It's not as drastic as a 180 degree turn. Surely, there is room and, perhaps, a necessity for the pessimist to reevaluate where he is right now but I would say the corollary is also true. I think my case is that I've just been trying to be too optimistic.

Perhaps, there is validity in pessimism. I mean the reality of a situation is always sandwiched somewhere along the continuum of the situation as it is and my (flawed) interpretation of it. The point is, maybe I shouldn't always categorize my disappointment as being due to my interpretation.

Learning to believe, again

Well, no surprise. I'm not always that fond of CCF large group meetings. And this recurring aversion really came around to bug me for the past few weeks. The fact of the matter is.. I don't like mingling. I don't like having to meet someone, talk about something completely irrelevant, and then moving on to rinse and repeat with someone else. And I fully accept that this type of attitude will ostracize me to some degree, especially in the large group setting. And, I'd be ok with that, as long as that's not where it ends. For the past few weeks, however, that is where it ended. I've just been having trouble connecting to people. I haven't been able to meet someone new and really form a bond with them. And, since that's what the past few weeks have been, it's been a little discouraging, to say the least.

I wasn't going to go tonight. Luckily (although perhaps I really never had any intention of staying home), I ended up going. Well, large group itself was terribly underwhelming. All that "mingling" time.. yeah I'm good.. I'd prefer Guild Wars any day. And I literally stepped out like three times hoping that it would end when I came back. As much as I'm ragging on it, I've gotta say that the choir did an amazing job, as always, the sharing was very heartfelt, and the Johnson was Johnson, as always.

But beyond the scheduled events from that night, I learned or, more aptly, I was reminded of something drastically important. That, even though I may not mesh well with the vast majority of CCF, I do have a few great friends there. I also learned that there are people that I may not know too well but can mesh with anyway. Maybe I was being a little too pessimistic. Well, in all reality, it's my last year anyway. Why not stay in, I already gave it 2 years. I'm sure the grass ain't greener anywhere else.

And, worst case, I'll just bail and play Guild Wars outside ;).

Way of Awkward #1

"The server looks like she's having a hard time putting the food down." someone observed.

"Yeah, the lazy Susan's just too big." I quipped with earnestness.

Across the table, Susan was not amused.

Return of the music

I've gotta admit, I'm really starting to get into music on the Edge again. I had completely stopped listening to it for the past 3-4 years. Everything just sounded too repetitive and lacked something. But this year, music's gotten a lot better.. Well, maybe, it has to do that I've actually been listening to the radio again.. in hindsight that's probably one of the more prominent reasons. But whatever the reason, it's great to hear new music again.. it's about time the collection got a fresh injection.

Here're just a few songs that I've really liked in the past year:
MGMT - Kids
Tokyo Police Club - Your English is Good
Pilot Speed - Put the Phone Down
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Zero
The Offspring - Half-Truism [!!]
Mother Mother - Body of Years

**edit** Except I just realized that Body of Years is really [really] similar to Hey by the Pixies. It's still a good song but it does take a little away from it.

Parallel lines

Something that I've really been searching for is open discussion, where people keep their minds open and approach issues without stubbornly adhering to their own ideas. I've always held some disdain for that type of attitude. Of course, I don't mean for the renunciation of all beliefs, e.g. certain religious dogmas. Even with these absolutes in mind, there surely must exist flexibility when living. What's important isn't the exact way in which our beliefs are expressed but, instead, the underlying root of such beliefs. People ought to spend more time discovering the roots of beliefs as opposed to the beliefs themselves. There is no need for all to be united under one line of thought. As long as there is an overarching underlying root, our directions will certainly be uniformly aligned. And, as we travel on our own courses, we will surely meet in the infinite.

Jaded, j-j-j-jaded

It's so repetitive. This is really the only thing I write about. Well, I actually write a lot more but all those entries are tucked nicely within the confines my harddrive. But yeah, I see the repetition. I actually do get bored sometimes always slaving away at this issue. Perhaps it's because I find it to be of utmost importance, to know why we wake up everyday. But, whatever. I'm starting to think it's futile. That there is no answer within reason alone.

Well what I wanted to share was something I read in Ecclesiastes about a year ago. It's really stuck with me ever since. It's Ecclesiastes 9:7-10. The author of Ecclesiastes deals with the question of existence throughout the entire book. After all that questioning, this is his solution: "to live and enjoy living". No, he doesn't answer the question. No, we don't get to find out why God created everything such that it would be like this. This happens in Job too. God just plays the.. well.. God card. He doesn't explain it, He just puts Job in his place. Even the document from the absolute source does not give an absolute answer. In the end, we are left with life. We may have some idea as to what to do with it, I know I do. But, why I was given such a precious yet terrible gift, I haven't the slightest idea. And truly, I don't think anyone does, though they may have well-crafted hypotheses.

And so.. maybe this is our lot in life, to live in partial darkness. Ecclesiastes says there's a season for everything. Perhaps the season of humanity requires us to lack full knowledge in this area and to have faith. To push on to face the unknowns of tomorrow because we just don't know.

I often struggle with existence. It's a pain in the ass sometimes. Is there really meaning to it? I mean if the Bible were true then yeah it would and yeah life'd be a tad bit more clear and I'd know what to do. At the end of the day, the one thing that I really would want to do is to discover that one truth that would be the pillar to life. I've always been taught that Christianity was that pillar. Many times I've professed that that indeed is what I consider to be my pillar. But why do I do this? Why do I affirm to something that is just a little beyond reasoning that requires faith? May I propose that I may be ..scared? Scared that perhaps it is true and that if I don't partake in this set of beliefs that I will have to endure an eternity of God-less hellfire, whatever that means. Well I suppose that's not the answer to why I want to know the reason for life. A more appropriate answer would be that I just want to make sense of reality. I've never really liked reality much. It's a pain to live sometimes and, really, I want to know why I continually allow myself to go through with this absurdity. I want to know why I have to stay here.. study.. get a job.. interact with people.. and whatever else 'life' entails. I guess a lot of people are comfortable with reality and its perks, ok with living their lives. I suppose I'm more of the other end of that spectrum. Does anyone ever really find out the answer or am I going to end up sitting here in this state until I finally realize the futility of the search and give up. I sincerely hope it's not the latter.

I WANT TO THINK!

Hey guys, ..hey Michael. Just right off the bat, if you read this, please give some indication of your presence. I just wanna see who would visit this site after a year and a half of no updates. Let me know you exist! I just might post on here regularly! (If I do, I'll take down the Jew thing, seriously.)

So, I do actually keep journals. They're a private collection of my thoughts. Thoughts that I don't feel comfortable sharing with others, barring a few of course. But today, I had an epiphany. It was wonderful. It was like the first time I wrote a "journal". I just exploded and all my thoughts just came gushing out. I love thinking. It's like my non-corporeal lover (other than God, but that's besides the issue). Anyway, it felt like I was reunited with an old friend.

Well, I'm just going to copy and paste that entry onto here. It was so insightful, I just want to share it with everyone! Yes, I realize that this may not be the best medium because of the somewhat low traffic to this site. But it's ok. It's a start.

Please be aware that I use the word "shit" in this post. If you are offended by this word "shit", know that I am using it in context and that it really is the only word I could think of at the time that could adequately describe what I was experiencing.

May 30, 2008

I've been working this clinic job for about three weeks now. It's just menial stuff still but I intend to ask the boss for more involvement in the writing aspect. Well anyway, I don't want to talk about that because it bothers the shit out of me already so .. I'll stop there. But with work, I find my free time just cut exponentially. I suppose it's somewhat ok. But I've felt that something was amiss, especially today. I didn't know what it was at first. Now I know: I haven't had nearly enough time on my own just thinking. Thinking about anything. I've been trying to sleep for the past hour but I've just been lying there thinking, in my head and out loud. Thinking about where I am right now. Thinking about where I want to be. Now that I have something that can be construed as “work”, it's opened my eyes to many things. One of those things is my ambition. It exists (wow). I had no idea. So what do I want? I want to move forward. I want to grow and keep growing. I don't ever want to stop. When I stop is when things become routine. Routine's ok but the same routine is not. I don't want to be complacent with where I am in any aspect of my life. I want success but not in the worldly sense of it, since when was it ever anyway for me. I was brought up anti-world and I will continue to be anti-world, hopefully for a long time to come. But I do want personal success. I want to always enhance my abilities, increase my abilities, and acquire more knowledge. I do however stress the practical aspect. Head knowledge alone typically fades away into nothingness. You know, 9-5 doesn't give nearly enough time for me to really think out me. To think out the things that matter to me and affect me. Although I do nothing, I'm glad I got this “summer student” position. It's stretched me a lot. It's helped me realize more of who I am as well as who I want to be (and the things I can do to achieve that, which I fully intend to do). I've got to be a leader of myself. No backseat for me. I usually sit front seat anyway. But I suppose it's the being driven part that's the point. I miss thinking to myself. I miss taking time to understand myself and the world around me. So many ideas. So little time. Man, I hope I use the next 70 years properly! (HOPEFULLY NO EARLY DEATH NOR DEMENTIA)

So what exactly do I want to do? Right now in this phase of my life, I want to improve my abilities, but more importantly gain abilities and understand life and the world. I mean, if perfection was more than just an ideal, I would aim for knowing everything and being able to do anything but that's not possible so I'll settle with pushing onwards at all times.

I WANT TO THINK!

To those who still visit this abandoned area

Well, whoever still comes here.. http://youtube.com/watch?v=BaC5sKzK93A is a longer video of the first .gif I ever posted. It's an ad, I think. Don't you love how things go full circle (I never really liked clichés like that but it works in this case).

Found it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6447713405009238376&q=dj+format

Quickie

Big Bird says:
Press the red button
Sun goes down
TIMES UP!
Let's play again...

We're goin' to Candy Mountain!

Yeah, just a few flashes this time. (I think I sent these to a few people already. Great, aren't they?)

When I come to the show that I rock and the flow that I drop y'all know Run kills the mic.. (the song's great)
Oh no it didn't.
La lalalala la la la lalalala la lalalalala la lalalalala!

And a bit of dancing!

And hopping!

And burning!


Woo! That was great.

Random Link: A Latin-English-English-Latin Dictionary Client (Java)

Medieval Man

Found these medievalized things a while back.
All Your Base
Milkshake

And, on a side note, guess who bought the Audioslave CD? (Me) Actually it's not because I particularily like Chris Cornell's voice but it's more because of Tom Morello's guitar playing. (apparently, he was an extra on Star Trek: Voyager once)

Favourite songs for now
Mukina Shimokawa - Sore Ga, Ai Deshou
Maaya Sakamoto - Loop
Audioslave - Out of Exile

Exploding deer

Don't have any really funny pictures to show this time. Well, guess you'll have to survive with just this one.

(By the way, does anyone know where it's from?)

Can't stop dancing!

They're all mostly from the same picture but..

Bear and friends.

Close-up on bear.

Close-up on bear with tuxedo.

Another shot of bear.


Man, bears dance better than a lot of people.

Oh..

I didn't think it was possible. But it happened. Shock and confusion were my first reactions. I was astounded..the phrase "wtf" popped into my mind more than once..I knew that something like that would happen eventually but I never would have thought it would happen like that and certainly not at that time. Sigh..the wound..it still hurts, well, it tingles. But I guess all roses have their thorns. And I guess there are a few things in life that I would have to experience for myself. Honestly, this..sigh..situation was just one of those inevitable and unavoidable ones. I guess I'll just have to learn from this experience and try to make sure it never happens again.





i cut my thumb on macaroni.. i was like "wth am i bleeding?! but.. it's cooked pasta.. (overcooked, apparently)" so yeah i was trying to scrape burnt macaroni off the stupid pot and yes.. they are quite sharp at times. YEAH, i cut myself twice, cause once isn't enough you know. -_-

Huh?

Live-action Sailor Moon, who knew.

(Sailor Mars looked way better in the cartoon..)

Who is that?

Who is that?

(No, I don't troll around the Internet looking for girls and demanding their names so I can find more pictures of them)

The Upside of Coughing: It worked out my abs.

Subtitles, please? (continued)

Ok, I take it back. The animation is horrible, pixelated to be exact.

Subtitles, please?

So I downloaded School Days, I think it's an OVA or something, but lucky me there weren't any subtitles. At least the girl's kinda cute -_-.

I <3 水銀燈 from Rozen Maiden!
zOMG LOOK 1280x960 WaLLPaPER!!!

NOTICE: AS OF 2/28/05

http://www.ciel-theskyguardian.blogspot.com can no longer be accessed by me. Go here instead ^^.

Great, now I have to copy and paste all my old entries.